Underneath his smile
by Tacosaurus
Summary: "Lance, the Blue Paladin, was known across the galaxy for his charms and confidence. He dazzled many with his blinding smile that practically lit up his entire face. However, underneath that glamour and smile was a doubt that no one suspected was festering." Alternatively, four times Lance hides his insecurities with bravado and the one time he let the mask fall.


Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at /works/13777461.

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Archive Warning: Choose Not To Use Archive Warnings Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender Character: Lance (Voltron), Blue Lion (Voltron), Keith (Voltron), Hunk (Voltron), Pidge | Katie Holt, Shiro (Voltron), Allura (Voltron), Coran (Voltron) Additional Tags: I HOPE YOU'RE READY FOR ANGST, Langst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Lance (Voltron)-centric, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Don't worry he has Blue and his friends to comfort him, everyone should get hugs, hugs for everyone, After some angst of course, A slight AU?, 4 plus 1 Stats: Published: 2018-02-23 Words: 2524 Underneath his smile

by Queentacosaurus101

Summary

"Lance, the Blue Paladin, was known across the galaxy for his charms and confidence. He dazzled many with his blinding smile that practically lit up his entire face. However, underneath that glamour and smile was a doubt that no one suspected was festering." Alternatively, four times Lance hides his insecurities with bravado and the one time he let the mask fall.

Notes

See the end of the work for notes

[ONE]

Lance had mixed feelings about being a paladin of Voltron. Don't get him wrong, he loved what he did. In fact, Lance felt good about it a majority of the time but that didn't mean he was immune to doubt. Since his days at Garrison, Lance had always felt anxious that he didn't meet up to the same expectations of his peers. After his experiences at the academy, Lance had been taught to evaluate his overall performance in combats or whatever Voltron was dealing with. Behind closed doors, he'd overthink every slip-up on unsuccessful missions. He would ponder every minuscule detail, wondering if his actions had directly caused most of what had occurred. Lance would worry that his fellow paladins would chalk up the failures to something he did without directly telling him what he did wrong. They were his friends so they wouldn't do that, right?

Even so, Lance always felt small, uneasy parts of him fret over what the rest of the team thought of him and if every mistake contributed negatively to their opinions. Sometimes that small part of him questioned his position on the team. When he was with the team, Lance could easily brush it off with a smile and a joke here and there because he knew he was a valued member of Voltron. He wouldn't have been chosen specifically by Princess Allura to pilot Blue if he wasn't worthy!

 _Right?_

* * *

[TWO]

Lance had messed up badly in training today. He'd tried to pull off a kicking move so that he could impress the team with a new technique to help with fighting. The end result was a gigantic metal robot made up of lion-ships toppling over with a large THUD. "It didn't matter." Lance told himself, making it seem less like an issue. He totally would have pulled it off if the rest of the team had cooperated. That was the reason it hadn't worked!

 _'_ _Or maybe you can't do it. You haven't been able to do well in your training sessions…'_ There it was; the feeling of self-doubt that was beginning to simmer inside him. Truth be told, Lance was slightly frightened by it. It weaved its poisonous thoughts through making him question trivial matters that never really bothered him much at Garrison yet somehow mattered deep in space. Lance wanted to stop it. He wanted to make it all easier to deal with. Having to pilot an otherworldly mechanical lion was enough of a challenge without his brain deciding it needed to complicate things by making him wary of everything he did. Lance ignored it the best way he could. By laughing and joking away his worries. It worked, usually.

 _He tried but there were still some nights were he'd lie there, in the confinements of his room, and analyse himself until he fell in to a restless sleep._

* * *

[THREE]

Lance missed home. He missed the sound of harsh rain splattering against the roof, drumming out a lulling rhythm he could listen to for hours or fall asleep to. Lance missed the creaks of old wooden floorboards that let him know he was with people as he could hear them whenever they moved up and down the corridor outside his room. He missed his siblings' chatter. The way they would get him invested in bets about who could shovel the most pancakes in to their mouths during breakfast. He missed his mother's stern but loving glances around the table and the stifled giggles of his siblings. Lance missed his father's calming presence that washed over the entire house like a tidal wave on the sandy shores located nearby. He especially yearned to dig his feet as deep as they would go in the sand or the ocean, enjoying the chilled breeze that whipped around him but felt oddly comforting. Lance could remember the days he and his siblings spent playing sea gods and goddesses. They could 'control' the waves easily as if it was as simple as breathing.

He had created so many memories on that beach that it had become his anchor to his home. It gripped him tightly, reminding of the people that lived millions (and perhaps billion) stars away. He would give anything to fly home in Blue and watch his family be in awe of her if only for a one day. Then, Lance would panic they would be hurt that he had disappeared so suddenly, not bothering to find the wormhole he had originally came through to at least give them an insight in to what happened to him. He feared they wouldn't like what he's doing now. If Lance went home, would he even be the same as he'd been before he left?

 _The wave of questions didn't stop. He couldn't control this tide._

* * *

[FOUR]

Lance, the Blue Paladin, was known across the galaxy for his charms and confidence. He dazzled many with his blinding smile that practically lit up his entire face. However, underneath that glamour and smile was a doubt that no one suspected was festering. Not even his teammates. They'd roll their eyes at his quirks and quips. He suddenly found he could no longer distinguish when they were jokingly doing so or if they were genuinely annoyed. Lance used to know exactly what to say to get his team to laugh with him but now he felt that the jokes came out as a jumbled mess that his friends shrugged off as his usual antics. "That's good, right? It means it's normal. Doesn't it?" He would ask himself, when he was alone in his room. The only reply was the tormenting echo of his questions.

Sometimes, Lance felt as if he was separated from his friends. It was as if he was trapped behind a glass wall. He tapped and hammered on it to get their attention and then they would barely acknowledge him. He would yell, screech or shout about his doubts, desperate for their attention, but the glass wall made it impossible for them to hear anything but nonsensical jokes. Lance felt like he was helplessly waiting for someone to notice that the wall was in the way of what he really wanted to say. Of course, Lance soon realised that he had created this wall himself. He forced his team to see the reflection that was smiling, laughing and concealing someone who was downright terrified of what lied ahead. He chose not to mention it to anyone. He didn't want them to think any less of him. Lance didn't want to bother them.

 _Still, it would be wonderful if someone could peer through the glass wall and see what was really beyond it._

* * *

[FIVE]

Team Voltron returned to the castle, victorious after yet another battle. "You did a great job today, team." Shiro proudly announced via the communication systems in the team's helmets. Voltron cheered enthusiastically. Inside Blue, Lance's wide confident smile faltered. Great. Not excellent. His brain ran through everything he could recall doing and a surge of guilt welled in his gut. What if one of his slip-ups had caused the entire team to slack? Which was had been the worst? The thoughts were burning through his brain and it made his head ache, feeling heavy and weighted like it would if he was drowning. Lance became entirely tangled in his thoughts that he didn't register his teammates calling to him.

"Hello? Lance?" Hunk called out, concern creeping in to his voice.

"He's probably wrapped up in some daydream." Pidge joked, earning a chuckle or two. Lance caught Pidge's words and felt slightly wounded until he recalled she wasn't aware of the thoughts he had. Lance made sure of that.

"It happened to be an amazing one and you interrupted it!" He hoped he sounded playful enough to pass off as 'regular old Lance'. The team gave a collective groan and Lance had to remind himself that they were doing it humorously. The rest of the team had exited their lions and were waiting for Lance.

"C'mon Lance, Allura and Coran will be waiting for us." Keith said, somewhat impatiently. Lance knew he meant well but, at the moment, Lance needed to sit and just think.

"Give me a second!" He yelled, voice cracking a tiny bit. He couldn't just push his thoughts aside. They were making everything feel like it was about to start spiralling or spinning, making Lance feel nauseous. His head was throbbing from the sounds of his thoughts and the blood pumping through his hammering heart. Hot tears burnt at his eyes but he willed them away as best he could. Blue purred in concern inside his mind but he shoved it away. Lance just had to see Allura and Coran, make up some feeble excuse of being tired and lie down where he could be alone with his thoughts. He needed to allow them to run through then they would leave him be. _Eventually._

As Lance departed his lion, she made another attempt at communication by outright growling and blocking him from leaving by curling around Lance slightly. The others jumped in surprise. "Woah, is Blue okay?" Hunk questioned. Lance gave a small laugh and patted Blue's head.

"Awh, she's gonna miss me." He cooed. In his mind, he apologised to Blue and promised that he would talk some other time. He feared she had picked up his thoughts and wanted him to share them with the others. Luckily, she accepted his apology and granted him exit. The team then took their leave, partially- forgetting the incident with the exception of Lance.

* * *

They arrived at the control room where Allura stood beaming as did Coran, twirling his moustache with pride. There was a long-winded speech about how pleased they were with their success and some other things that Lance wasn't entirely focusing on. Not that he could be blamed. The team was then excused and Lance made a point of yawning and stretching exaggeratedly.

"Man, I'm tired. I'm turning in early. Night, guys." He called over his shoulder, making sure he walked away before anyone questioned him. He hastily retreated to his room, readying to just lie there and allow his thoughts to spin around in his mind. Then, he remembered Blue. She seemed really insistent about him staying in her. Perhaps he could vent to Blue, if only for a while. It'd be a way of strengthening their bond. Lance snatched up his Blue-themed nightwear and hurriedly got dressed. This way, if anyone saw him, he could pretend he was just going to bed. He quietly tiptoed towards his lion, slipping quietly away.

* * *

Blue instantly welcomed Lance inside. The second he enters, he feels safe like a comforting wave had just washed over his body. The thoughts are still swirling in his mind but it was alright. He could share them here. His team wouldn't be listening. "First things first, I'm scared." Lance began, not entirely sure on what he was supposed to say. Blue gave an encouraging rumble that prompted Lance to continue.

"I'm scared that I'm feeling like this. I am usually so confident and ready for jokes but lately everything feels so… off. Like this started at the Garrison and I never noticed until now. I'm scared that if my team sees me like this, they'll see me as weak and pathetic. Voltron is supposed to be strong and a symbol of hope but how can I represent that when I'm feeling like this? I feel like I'm the worst so I put on this act. I make myself out to be the best because I don't want to admit I'm terrified."

All of Lance's thoughts tumbled out in a colossal clutter of emotions, but each thought that was sharing feelings felt like a pressure within Lance has been unloaded. He starts to weep at some parts. The first attempt of covering it up proved to be fruitless as Blue gave a disapproving hum before her calm, mother-like demeanour. He allows his feelings to be exposed, tears and all. Each word prompted Blue to soothe him and he curled further in to the pilot seat, as if curling in to her embrace like a child would with its parent. By the end, the thoughts had subsided, for that moment, and he was still draining some of his sadness, fear and regret away. Lance hoped the team never saw him in such a state but Blue gave another grumble of disapproval. She was right.

He had to tell them at some point. Locking away his emotions had probably gotten him in this mess anyway. He didn't have to say anything that night. He didn't have to say much at all either. Only whatever he was comfortable with. That night, he could settle with admitting he was homesick with a little encouragement from Blue. He didn't need to pour his feelings out like he had with Blue, allowing them to gush from him. He could take it slowly and tell them what he wanted to. He was relieved that he now had a confidant in Blue who he could turn to for his thoughts. Lance felt slightly foolish for not considering her as an outlet earlier but didn't dwell upon it. Besides, he had a team to talk to. He thanked Blue and left for the kitchens, where the team were most likely to be.

* * *

Lance entered the kitchen and his friends all turned to look at him. Their greetings snagged in their throats as they surveyed his face, marked with tears with puffy, red-rimmed eyes. Each of them looked a mixture of concerned and stunned. They were finally seeing a side to Lance they never knew of. "Hey." He greeted, giving a small wave for measure. Hunk got up immediately, chair clattering to the ground, and pulled him in to a deep hug. Lance graciously accepted it. The rest of his friends followed suit in their own ways. Keith was trying though there was an awkward element to his hug as if he wasn't quite certain how to hug Lance. Lance didn't mind. Pidge snaked her arms around Lance's hips, barely able to reach anywhere else. He puffed out a small laugh at that. Allura and Coran slotted in easily and Shiro sealed the hug tightly, ensuring Lance couldn't escape from accepting their affection. Not that he ever wanted to. Lance gripped tightly in the embrace. He could feel tears spilling from his eyes to his cheeks but he couldn't care less about them.

The hug was broken later on and Lance soon revealed in details how homesick he felt. The rest of the group soothed his worries and everything rotten felt like it was beginning to heal itself. It might take Lance a while for him to open up about his self-doubt but that was fine. They could work towards that. Small steps.

Just thinking about it made Lance smile one of his most genuine smiles in a long time. The mask he had put on was breaking away and becoming real, not a front anymore.

The smile was real.

End Notes

I've had this floating around for a while so I thought I'd post it here because why not? It's finished and I'm particularly proud of what I came up with. As you can probably tell, I was inspired by lyrics in Marina and the diamonds' "Oh no" and Dear Evan Hansen's "Waving through a window". Feel free to let me know what you thought!

Please drop by the archive and comment to let the author know if you enjoyed their work!


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